Sarah has asked me to give a reflection on my journey to date. I haven't written anything since my description and reflection of our last encounter with Ian in early September. Five months on, it seems a good time to reconsider how I now feel about that fateful night, and what I am really looking for in this journey.
Communication with Ian, since our last meeting, had been sporadic at best. He had privately confided in me how mega busy he was with his business, and we knew he was having to go to Europe a lot. So although Sarah took a negative view, I tried not to read too much into it. The break, however, had given me a chance to further reflect on what went wrong at the club, as described in our blogs 'From the frying pan to the fire' and 'badly burnt'.
Sarah's persistant desires to be someone's sub had increasingly bothered me. I felt that I was in danger of losing control of the situation, and another man controlling my wife may be detrimental to our marital well-being. The reality had confirmed my doubts, and indeed put me in a particularly bad space for some time afterwards. Sarah finds it difficult to understand why I did not like her being controlled by Ian, in particular performing on a stranger's cock under his instruction. The main reason for my discontent is that I felt marginalised and pushed out, whilst Ian and Sarah had all the fun. I realise that a true cuck should enjoy every minute of this humiliation, and lap up the scene played out for him. But this was not the case for me.
After a lot of soul searching, and reading up on the internet, I came to the conclusion that I am in fact an Alpha Cuck - I derive pleasure from Sarah being a Hotwife, but I prefer to control how and when this happens. What Ian did failed to give me any pleasure, and not being included in the proceedings led, at the time, to resentment. I do not hold this against Ian - I actually have a great respect for him (and indeed great affection). In my opinion this transgression was one misjudgement of a man who had historically been impeccable at ensuring my inclusion. The event did however colour my thinking for some time.
Be that as it may, Sarah had continued to declare herself a sub, and therefore in need of a Dom in her life. Although I have now moved on from the incident with Ian, I am not sure I agree with her assessment of her character; she is so lippy and volatile! But if I am wrong, with our home life being such a power struggle for control, I am still unsure if I can accept another man waltzing in and telling her what to do, and her complying unquestioningly. But out of love for my wife, and in recognition of her desires, I have agreed that she may pursue this path. However, Sarah is well aware of the need for some heavy negotiations with me. And in light of the above, maybe some sort of joint Domship too !!!
This of course was theoretical. For all of Ian's exciting text messages we have reached the conclusion that he is probably 80% a fantacist. We know that, if he has time, he will indulge in play and include some D/s roleplay if required. But as much as he is incapable of commiting to a vanilla relationship, he is probably equally as incapable of commiting to the threeway relationship that he likes to talk about in text messages. This was a shame because Ian works for both on so many levels. The theory he speaks of is entirely in line with my thoughts and desires, and if he could just deliver I think that the relationship between the three of us would be ideal. However, if we were to be active within this lifestyle we had to explore other paths.
By mid autumn Sarah had had enough of the lack of communication, that she finally agreed to make more positive steps towards searching for a new Bull, and going to clubs without Ian. She was also getting hungry for more unbridled passion! We therefore went back to our well tested method of advertising on Craigslist. However after a number of disastrous dates we reached the conclusion that Craigslist is full of fantasists and time wasters. We revamped our profile on a swinging website, and had our first date with Master Jay, as described in 'fifty shades darker', 'six days as one of Master Jay's submissives' and 'fifty shades of a cuck'. The next blog gives my perspective on our relationship with an extreme Dom Bull....