So after we called it a day with both Ian and Jason in late April, we managed to generate a lot of fun for ourselves during the month of May in the form of a large scale party, a house party and a visit from Jonny, as described in our recent blogs, 'the big black lie', 'the soft sweet skin of a woman', 'further desires for domination' and 'my lover in the marital bed'. What I haven't yet talked about is a Dom Bull we started communicating with in early April, whom I've briefly mentioned in the blog 'milking the fantasy'.
Dale found Ben for me. When it became evident to him that Jason was a non-starter, Dale started to look for someone else to fill that role for me. After scouring the internet, he came up with Ben, a BDSM Dom who was also very experienced on the swing scene. However Ben was different from other Dom's I had met. In contrast to the eccentric bachelors, with their odd habits and peculiarities, this Dom was a happily married man living a comparatively very 'normal' life, albeit in an open marriage. The way Ben conducted himself, communicated, made arrangements was easy and straightforward. He gave us no frustrating bullshit that we had become used to from Ian upon trying to make arrangements. And the aggressive demands and purile game-playing, that I had put up with during my envolvement with Jason, was certainly not Ben's style. I started to wonder if married men were easier to deal with, less complicated, have the same standards as Dale and myself. They don't suffer from the irritating symptoms of what I call 'bachelor syndrome'; symptoms of unreliability, disorganisation, and selfishness!
Ben's approach, as an experienced BDSM Dom, was also different. First and foremost, he made it a priority to get to know Dale and myself intimately. He also made sure he found out from both of us what we both wanted, what he could do for us. This was surprisingly refreshing. By contrast I remember back a year ago how Ian, with whom there was on reflection a serious shortage of deep conversation, had spent months banging on about how eventually I would have several men cumming all over me. Ian didn't know me well enough to understand how horrifying I found this idea, and I didn't know him well enough to explain how I felt. He had always said I should trust him that he would only ever ask me to do something I wouldn't love. I realise now that it was wrong to trust someone who didn't take the time to get to know me properly, and that he was using his privaledged role as my so-called Dom for his own selfish desires. Jason was worse than Ian in his demands, though in Jason's defense he was the first to admit his inflexibility in his requirements for his subs, and in fairness poor communication was never the issue with him.
If I were to criticise Ben though, he was possibly too slow in his approach. He took his time in assessing us, which maybe made it harder to create the exciting tempo I had become used to in other D/s relationships. On the other hand, Dale and I had experienced first hand the disastrous effects of not taking time to properly get to know a Dom, so maybe Ben was right to foresake the blind euphoria in the first instance, in order to get it right in the long run and save people from hurt and disapointment. However I ebbed and flowed over a number of weeks as texts messages seemed to take off then hit a brick wall. I guess Ben realised the right vibe wasn't bring created, so one afternoon he phoned me. And after that phone call I realised why he was a Dom. OMG, do all Dom have that liquid honey voice that makes me weak at the knees, my mouth dry and makes me hyperventilate with excitement? I don't recall what Ben and I talked about; some of it was general stuff and some sexual. But his liquid honey voice, soft but authorative, simply made me want to submit completely to this man!
We finally met Ben for a social towards the end of April, after some weeks of communication. This happened on the same week as our decision to call it a day with Ian and Jason, so it's possible that Ben represented a new beginning for us. Certainly in the days leading up to this new beginning, Ben had built me up to believe he would get me into sub-space when we meet for the first time. Privately I was hoping for the merciless seduction that I had craved for so long, and if that were to be achieved, sub-space was a likely outcome.
However when we met Ben for dinner in a rural pub it didn't quite go that way. He was nice, he was a gentleman, he was charming to talk to, and I was attracted to him. But he didn't take it to the next level. He listened a lot. He seemed to understand what had gone wrong with other Doms before. He was like a psychologist assessing the situation. At no point did he try to take it forward or push any boundaries. Half way through I realised with disapointment that he wasn't going to on this occasion. I guess his only intention was to find out about us, so that he could work out the best approach.
After a couple of hours he drew the evening to a close. I had finally managed to get some eye contact with him, so this was not what I wanted to hear. I was now drunk, horny and frustrated. I no longer cared about developing a D/s relationship, I just wanted a mindless foolish seduction followed by a crazy fucking by this sexy man. However Ben remained sober and in control and did not pander to my horniness. As a true gentlemen he insisted on paying for dinner, then we trooped outside to our cars. Feeling rejected I followed the men reluctantly to the carpark like a spoilt child. Ben and Dale shook hands and Dale went to open the car door. I stood in front of Ben to say goodbye.
Then he kissed me. He kissed me very gently and sensually, and the kiss was emphasized by his hand suggestively stroking the front of my neck, implying what he may like to do were he to dominate me one day. I immediately responded to the kiss the way I always respond to someone with whom I have a D/s chemistry with; I melted with ecstasy and hyperventilated as I relinquished control to my new Dom. Unfortunately that feeling didn't last, and I went home still feeling horny and frustrated and childishly annoyed that he was making me wait for the ultimate prize of true domination that I so desired. I knew really why he wasn't rushing it, and experience has told me how emotionally damaging it can be to get it wrong. But I had become addicted to being in sub-space and I wanted him to push my boundaries, foolishly not caring about the consequences.
Things went downhill a bit after that. Ben would text me giving me daily tasks to do. The tasks were always benign as he assessed how I would respond before he took his role as my Dom up a level. Unfortunately being given these instructions didn't work for me, and I started to question whether this whole thing was going to work at all. On paper, after what we'd been through he was too good to be true, but in reality every time he got me excited we would hit a dead-end. Ben realised too that text messages just didn't seem work for us. So he phoned me again, and I heard his familiar liquid honey voice of a Dom, and melted yet again.
Text messaging subsided after that phone call. We both realised that, for us, text messaging didn't have the desired effect. I also stopped worrying about sub-space. I realised I was trying too hard to create something, and that I should just let it happen naturally. Also May came with various distractions in the form of parties and new friends. Our new friend Bruce was always hovering in the background, very keen to take me on as a new sub. And old friends were also distractions; Mark made me a not unexpected offer which temporarily turned my attention away from my desire to be dominated, and our friendship with Jonny seemed to hold a lot of promise. On the other hand, Ben, due to his work and his wife, was rarely available at weekends, and as I had not at that time been intimate with him, it was easy to turn my attention to men with who I was already in a sexual relationship with.
Then just as we were starting to think Ben may have been a red herring, or perhaps something to soften the blow after Ian and Jason, he reappeared. The three of us met at short notice for lunch over the spring bank holiday weekend. It turned out to be a lot more than lunch. Read the next blog 'fifty shades for real' to find out what happened.