Obsession addiction - the spell broken

When I started this blog at the beginning of 2013, I published a number of pages summarising our story to date. This included how the, at the time, six month cyber affair with Ian, quickly became an obsessive addiction. As our story with Ian evolved over the next twelve months, it became clear that my obsessive addiction for Ian was showing no signs waning

After a year and a half of communication with this frustrating man, we have become used to his peculiar habits; episodes of enthusiastic text banter, followed by unexplained disappearances where text messages are ignored. The autumn of 2014 was a very long period of minimal communication, to the point that I decided it was time to call it a day. We got involved with Jason, but when that relationship didn't work out, I tried again with Ian. It is a lottery as to whether we catch him at a time when he's not busy, but in mid December luck seemed to be on my side. Ian and I resumed our text message relationship, and it was as though the previous three months of silence had never happened. In fact, Ian's such a flake, he probably had no concept of how much time had gone by. Plans were made for him to come to our house in January, and I was thinking about re opening discussions for a D/s relationship.

But his failure to confirm a date for early January, followed by yet another disappearance for the entire Christmas period, was yet another reminder that we are probably wasting our time. But this time it did not upset me. It merely served to irritate!

So when Jason kissed me at his party last month, it would have been like shooting a sitting duck. I was already going off Ian, Jason just had to finish the job by catching that emotion whilst it was free. Historically I would have forgiven Ian and gone back to yearning to be his sub. This time, a real Dom was standing in the way!

I had started to go into sub space when Jason was kissing me. He didn't get me completely there because I was so nervous. He also told me later that week that he had deliberately held back because he knew I wasn't ready. Even so the feeling, in the early hours of Saturday morning was  strangely euphoric, and I didn't come off my high until Sunday night. For the first time in a year and a half I was no longer thinking about Ian, who, until I met Jason, had been the only man capable of having this hypnotic effect on me.

Then on the Monday after the holiday break, Ian reappeared into existance. Dale told me that he'd received a text message from him, as usual expressing his apologies for his 'late response' quote unquote. But other than a little bit of restored pride, I felt nothing. I was still thinking about Jason. Then I realised my sub feelings had transferred directly to Master Jay! Not that Ian was much use to us anyway - it seemed he had not been well and was due an operation that would put him 'out of commission'! 

I would like to explain what I mean by 'sub feelings'. I am not talking about feelings associated with vanilla relationships. It is not love, affection or infatuation, however I'm not saying that these more typical emotions cannot accompany sub emotions. Indeed, as time went by I certainly became infatuated with Ian, although personally  the love emotion in a D/s relationship doesn't wash with me. No, the feelings I am talking about are very different from vanilla emotions, and I believe are as a direct result of the way these men play with my mind.  Ian's technique is seductive, purely designed to entice a woman into bed. Jason is similar, but there us a greater focus on domination than seduction. Either way, the effect is exquisite. 

I knew that becoming Jason's sub was not a realistic possibility for numerous reasons, despite what had happened at the party. But that was not the point. What was important was that my desire to submit to Jason has released me from the obsessive addiction with the most hypnotically seductive man I was ever likely to meet. It didn't matter that I now had sub feelings for Jason. I can handle Jason, and Jason would never lead me on the way Ian did. Besides this time I wasn't caught unawares - I was able to harness those feelings before they got out of control.

Dale's current view of Ian was slightly different than mine. He still harboured much affection for him. It has always been obvious to me that there is a connection between Dale and Ian that does not exist between Dale and Jason. So although my fantasies now revolved round being Jason's sub instead of Ian's, Dale still hankered after a three-way relationship with Ian.

One month on, Ian has now had his operation and is recuperating. Whilst off work he has had time to indulge in some lengthy and very enjoyable sexting with both of us. For Dale it's like old times, and he is very happy.

But for me? Yes I would like to see him again. I would particularly look forward to another hypnotic seduction. And most importantly I would thoroughly enjoy him making love to me again. And why not? He's hot in bed! I never said the sexual attraction was gone. It's just that with all the bullshit he's put us through, don't think I will ever have sub feelings for him again. And I certainly no longer hanker after being dominated by him.

The spell is finally broken. When I fantasise about being dominated, it is only Jason....

Confessions of an Alpha Cuck (part 3) - by Dale

Just a quick note to add to Sarah's blog 'back in the saddle and holding the reigns', which gives her perspective on Master Jay's party in early January.

I have been to a number of sex parties in my time, but never one in a hotel room, although I have seen many films with this theme. As you can imagine we were both really looking forward to it for various reasons. There had been some banter in the bar beforehand but not too much overt sexuality. Jason was the perfect host at all times, and demonstrated none of the aggression I felt came across in texts  messages. His friends were really nice and we all seemed to gel, so it looked like a good night was ahead. 

As described by Sarah, we all went to the room in dribs and drabs, and by the time Jason took us up  proceedings were well under way. What caught my immediate attention was the sight of one of the wives on the bed enjoying the attention of two black studs.  One of them had been eyeing up Sarah downstairs, and the other must have bypassed the bar and gone straight to the fun. What an amazing sight as this Hotwife threw herself totally into the action and took each cock in every hole. But wait.... shortly after we arrived, another BBC knocked at the door, stripped off and immediately joined the action.  What a lucky girl she was ! So as you can see the background entertainment was way better than a porn film, and immediately got me interested and horny. She was a woman after my own heart, and behaving very much in a manner that I have long dreamt of for Sarah. I will keep nudging my wife in this direction Readers - maybe one day???

Sarah has described all the attention that Jason was paying her. Yes, as always, I found it very very exciting to see my wife enjoying herself with another man.  My cock stood firmly to attention throughout, desperate for some fun. Of course had Master Jay had his way, I would have been firmly caged and straining to get out ! In a text the next day thanking him for his hospitality, I expressed how desperate I had been to join in, and was firmly put in my place !! I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I would at most be using my mouth to only clean the Hotwives, and no more !!!!

Yes yes, I know that this was a Mandingo party and the white bois were just there to watch and support. However Master Jay's reprimand was another reminder that I am not your typical sissy cuck. I don't know if I'm naughty boy, who should be made to stand in the corner with a cage, or if this is my inner Dom looking to get out and have some fun !!

In the week that followed, Sarah had quite an active discussion with Jason. It was a continuation of an earlier dispute, based on his view that it is Sarah who is preventing my development as the true cuck he believes me to be. As I have felt throughout, I continue to maintain that Jason's assessment of my character is not entirely accurate. I am very complex in my needs and desires, and Sarah is well aware that there is a fine line in keeping my emotions well balanced. She has learnt the hard way that it is best to at least give me the impression that I am in charge, and when there is a breakdown of my sense of control she know very well how in can all go wrong. It is true that am hugely interested in cuckoldry, and I had an amazing time that night, an experience I would relish repeating. But the cuckold experience is not enough to satisfy all my needs, and another part of my brain still desires sexual involvement with other women. The party did get us thinking that we should perhaps host our own party at our house - then maybe I could be the Dom and play with all the girls !!!!

I do agree to a certain extent, with Jason's analysis of my character, that Sarah could do more to enhance my cuckold journey. For example, I adore being caged, and would like to explore pegging and fluffing. It did take her a while to come round to letting me clean up and eat her lover's cum, but she backed off eventually. So there is still hope on these personal fantasies....

Back in the saddle and holding the reigns

Just over a year ago I wrote our first blog 'A New Year and back in the saddle with a bang'. It certainly seemed that way at the time, but reflecting back, we wasted way too much time on Ian. I now see that I was wrong to put all my eggs in one basket, when could have been playing. This year our New Year's resolution was to get into the swinging scene once and for all, and we would do this with or without Ian.

As with last year, 2015 most certainly started with a bang! And we thought, not only are we getting back in the saddle, but this time holding the reigns! The first weekend of the New Year found us at a private party in a hotel room, hosted by Master Jay.

Admittedly I did have my concerns as to what Jason was up to. He had become somewhat possessive recently - stalking me on Whatsapp demanding to know who I was talking to. And that's not to mention his bizarre comment about claiming me back from Mark at some point. He made no attempt to hide his annoyance when I said that Mark would be my lover. Jason was clearly regretting his matchmaking feats, but with a date already in the diary for Mark, there was nothing he could do about it. 

So we were unsure where things stood, but were delighted to be invited to one of Master Jay's private parties. Secretly I was really looking forward to seeing him again, and I wondered if he would play with me. I hoped he would, but I also worried that if this happened his claim on me would increase. I knew that if we had sex he would expect to own me.

Dale and I were the first guests to arrive at the hotel. We found Jason in the bar area. I was wearing the clothes Jason had instructed me to wear. As his kissed my cheek he moved in close, and I could tell from his body language he wanted to make me his that night. I still had my guard up so kept a polite distance. It wasn't long before two other couples arrived and two single black guys.

Jason was a perfect gentleman and host. After buying everybody drinks, we were ushered to a group of seating in a secluded corner. He instructed me where to sit, then promptly sat next to me forcing Dale and I apart. I realised he was making his claim on me for the night. But I was well out of my comfort zone, and not ready to be separated from by husband. Ever the gentleman though, Jason allowed me to swap places with him. So I ended up sitting between my husband and the host who clearly wanted me.

Master Jay was doing what he does well, and he was in his element; in charge and in control. His body language demonstrated to all that he had considered me his for the night. Fortunately, in view of the respect he seemed to command, I was confident no other guy would dare touch me without his permission!

For some time, Jason had raved on about his 'Black Bulls'. He had promised me unlimited sex with the fittest, most well hung, most energetic men in England if I were to become his subslut, but on finally being introduced to the some of them I was particularly unimpressed. Do you like that guy over there' he said nodding towards one of the black guys, who was taking an obvious interest in the new blood, clearly hoping the Master would be in a sharing mood. 'No!' I said somewhat indignantly. Jason knew very well what my type was. 'I know, that's why I invited him' he said smugly, edging closer to me on the sofa. Clearly he realised what a mistake he'd made with Mark, and would not be putting his more sophiticated Bulls in my path again. As Jason's arm snaked around me, I reminded him I that I didn't want him to own me. 'Well what makes you think I want you as my subslut?' he retorted back. Well at least that's been agreed, I thought. Whatever happens tonight, he knows he can make no demands on me.

Jason controlled the whole proceedings.  People were sent up to his room in small groups. Finally, he escorted Dale and I to the room. Never having been in this situation before I braced myself for what I might see. Action was well underway. The man who had been making eyes at me downstairs beckoned me to join in. I declined. Shortly after two other black guys and a single woman arrived not long after. Dale and I stood on the sidelines watching with interest.

Once Jason was satisfied all his guests were happy, he set to work on me. I was positioned against the wall and he started kissing me. His hands explored my body on the outside of my clothes, and fondled my breasts. His was gentle and sensual this time, very different from our more passionate kiss and grope in the pub carpark. Feeling a huge desire to give myself to this Dom Bull, I put my hands above my head to let him ravish me and do his will. When I felt his firm grip on my wrists above his head I started to move towards a submissive space. I looked over at Dale, whilst the Master kissed my neck. Dale's eyes fixated  on mine. Jason then released his grip and repositioned his hands back on my body. Slowly he moved his right hand down over my hip to my thigh, and I waited with anticipation as I felt his fingers creep higher up my skirt until he had moved my lace panties to one side. 'You're so wet' he murmured into my hair. 'You so nervous but you're wet for me' as he explored me with his fingers. Dale was watching intently. 'Tell Dale how wet you are' he commanded softly. Dale now had his hand in his trousers wanking furiously! In fact I don't think I'd ever seen him so excited.

I didn't have Master Jay's attention for long. Being the host I had to share him with the other women. He circulated the room like a feline predator, making sure each woman received equal attention. With growing sexual excitement fueled by jealousy, my eyes never left this Dom as I watched him give pleasure to other women. Jason never took his clothes off and nobody touched him, adding to his dominating mystique. His movements were graceful and he was in control reminding me of a matador. But I knew I was his girl that night. He frequently returned to me and I was the only one he kissed.

Whilst Jason was otherwise occupied, the man who had earlier invited me to join in, took the chance to make a pass at me. I declined Carl's persistent offer, but he still put his hand on my arse. I looked over at Jason for rescue, and he promptly moved over and subtly edged him out the way. Not wanting to cross with the Master, he immediately backed off. Jason sensed my anxiety. 'Don't worry' he said firmly. 'Nobody's going to touch you, I won't let them'. Jason proceeded back to kissing and playing with me, before doing his next circuit.

When I had my final turn of Master Jay, I became aware of of the unrelenting interest from the Carl. He was clearly determined for some new pussy that night. 'You're becoming such a good slut for me tonight' Master Jay murmured softly in my ear. If he'd used that kind of language by text, I would have been offended at what seemed aggressive language. But his liquid honey voice was even silkier than normal. His tone was as though he were saying 'I love you'. I wouldn't admit this to him, but I kind of liked it; it made me feel special. Carl was hovering dangerously close with his cock accessable were I to want it. 'You know this guy really wants you' said Jason softly. Carl smiled hopefully, gently stroking his cock. 'Would you like to?' Jason continued. 'NO!' I told him emphatically. 'Thats ok' he said soothingly. 'You see you had no reason to be worried. I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to. I've been a gentleman all night haven't I?' That was true. He knew he could have fucked me if he had wanted to, but he knew I was starting to have sub feelings for him, and he was decent enough to not what to mess me up in the head the way Ian did. 

In the early hours of Saturday morning Dale and I said goodnight to our lovely new friends. Master Jay gave me a sensual kiss goodbye and asked if I wanted him to text me. I went to bed on an emotional high. I floated through the rest of the weekend in a delicious state of euphoria, and didn't come back to earth until Sunday night.  It had been an amazing night, and felt it reasonable to say we were definately back in the saddle for the New Year.

However, given the beginnings of a sub state that Jason got me into, there may be a question mark over whether I'm actually holding the reigns. But then isn't that the whole point of being a sub - handing the reigns over to someone else?

Confessions of an Alpha Cuck (part 2) - by Dale

After revamping our profile on the swingers website, we promptly received a message from Master Jay. My first communication with him some months back had been swiftly batted away, as this master of masters clearly had little time for novices. It soon became obvious that Jason was the godfather of D/s and interracial swinging, and that if we could get in with him then we would be all set. Numerous text messages were exchanged as he tried to get the measure of us, and eventually an agreement was reached to meet for a drink.

Sarah and I were in two minds on meeting Jason. I thought I was 80% what he was looking for, however, Sarah was probably only 40% there. I felt this was something that we could pursue, but feared Sarah's argumentative nature would ruin it for us. However, collectively we were concerned that Jason was too extreme, but hoped the three of us could work together in finding a common ground to start from. How wrong we were !!

We met Jason in a pub half way between where we both lived and, as we were there first, I went to the bar to buy the first round. Jason arrived and after saying hello to me, went in search of Sarah. He was extremely courteous in his manner and very pleasant to talk to. He was not the intense hard core Dom of the texting, and we felt that maybe we'd been a little harsh in our initial assessment.

Admittedly Jason is not the kind of man I normally look to as a prospective lover for my wife. He's the same age as me, so is unlikely to be as visually pleasing or as energetic as these thirty something young studs we usually go for. And it's not just Sarah I'm thinking of - don't forget I have to watch !! However, he was an experienced Dom which was something Sarah wanted, and he knew a lot of BBCs whom he could arrange to sleep with Sarah - so not only would I get to see her with a young fit stud, but a young black fit stud !!! Everybody should be happy.

Half way through the evening, whilst I was at the washroom, Jason changed seats, so upon my return, I found him sitting next to Sarah stroking her thigh. She seemed to enjoy this. Progress was being made. The best part was when he leaned in and whispered to her "Would you like to be a black cock whore?"  I did a sharp intake of breath and felt my cock stir at this suggestion. Visions of my sweet wife on a bed being pleasured by a number of chiselled, well endowed black men..... Sadly Sarah was quick to put the damper on that fantasy !!!

I got a lot of pleasure seeing how Jason seemed to be enjoying my wife's body. It was particularly exciting to watch him put his hands on her hips are she squeezed passed him on the way to the washroom, and again upon her return. He must have liked what he felt because, whilst she was in the washroom, he told me he would come home with us that night. Sadly he immediately remembered that he had a family engagement early the next day so had to back track. As it was getting late, and there was now no fun to be had, we decided to call it a night. In the car park, and after I said goodnight to Jason, he moved in to kiss Sarah goodbye. I leant against my car and watch. The kiss lasted quite a while, and Sarah seemed to be very breathless and excited considering it was just a kids. In fact she seemed so turned that I was convinced that he was fingering her under her coat.

Text messages were flying back and forth for the rest of the weekend, but Sarah continued to be argumentative and annoying. Progress was non-existent and at times huge backwards steps were taken, as my wife refused to accept anything Jason was talking about. The main deal breaker that Jason and Sarah kept coming back to time and time again, and persistently failed to resolve was Jason's use of bad language in a sexual context. Now that Jason was considering talking us on, he had pumped up the tempo, but Sarah stubbornly dug her heels in every time he called her his slut or whore. Her unrelenting resistance, to what Jason felt was a vital element to the relationship, was clearing driving him mad with frustration. He didn't give up though - he must have been quite taken with her.

At this early stage I still hoped we could salvage something, but Sarah was ruining it. However, by the end of the weekend I too was questioning the situation. When it became clear that Master Jay does not do compromise, I had to sit back and ask myself if I was prepared to accept the level of humiliation he expected of me.  Now I don't mind Sarah teasing me a bit about her younger lovers being more virile than me, as I was that once too. But hard-core abuse just doesn't do it for me. Another question mark was his requirement of celibacy on my part. Sarah and I love each other very much, and therefore enjoy a regular and fulfilling sex life. In addition, I also look forward to the opportunity of other women as part of this journey, and Sarah would particularly enjoy watching this. Ian understood this need, and had always agreed to allow me a treat in the form of another woman as a reward for being a good cuckold. He had understood that if I gave him my wife, there had to be something in it for me. Throughout this whole process Jason could not get his head around the fact that I want to sleep with other women. I think he thought this was an impossible emotion for a cuck, and concluded that this non-textbook anomaly, must be a byproduct of Sarah not fully supporting my cuckold journey.

As I concluded in Part 1 of this series, I am an Alpha Cuck - I love to watch my wife's sexual enjoyment with others, but being forbidden any sex, and conceding all control of our sex life to someone else just won't work for someone like me. Maybe we were wrong to pursue this, given that I am not the true cuckold Jason needs. But in my defence, what he was offering definitely appealed to one part of my psyche, even though the alpha male in me could not do this 24/7. Bit by bit the situation deteriorated. Certain no go areas were entered for both Sarah and I, and the whole thing entered melt down.

In my opinion Jason is his own worst enemy, and has probably thrown away what could gave been amazing. He is still searching for his ideal cuckold couple, if such an ideal exists. Had he been prepared to meet us at the level we were at and negociate, he might have got us to a higher level eventually. Perhaps not the full package, but enough for most of his needs to be met. 

I quickly moved on and forgot all about it. We were, by this point, back in touch with Ian, and there were promises of more fun. So I couldn't understand why Sarah and Jason continued to communicate in a sexual manner. Part of Sarah still hankered after a D/s relationship with Jason, and he clearly thought there was something still there. Sarah believed Jason was regretting throwing the baby out with the bath water, and she was considering backing off on the explicit sexual language. She suspected that he badly wanted her as his sub, which she felt gave her a good chance of working something out with him. Unfortunately, by this point I'd lost interest. And this was exacerbated by the fact that Jason had ceased talking to me. He only ever texted Sarah, and whenever I tried to reach out to him, he tended to respond quite briefly, if not curtly. I was convinced he hated me, although I cannot fault how he treats me in person. Whatever the problem with me, it is quite clear that the friendship is with Sarah. I have no problem if they want to enjoy some text banter, or play in my presence at sex parties. But if I were to reconsider a more permanent arrangement, there would have to be a better connection between Jason and myself. If not then Sarah is just going to have to get over it.

Confessions of an Alpha Cuck (part 1) - by Dale

Sarah has asked me to give a reflection on my journey to date. I haven't written anything since my description and reflection of our last encounter with Ian in early September. Five months on, it seems a good time to reconsider how I now feel about that fateful night, and what I am really looking for in this journey.

Communication with Ian, since our last meeting, had been sporadic at best.  He had privately confided in me how mega busy he was with his business, and we knew he was having to go to Europe a lot. So although Sarah took a negative view, I tried not to read too much into it. The break, however, had given me a chance to further reflect on what went wrong at the club, as described in our blogs 'From the frying pan to the fire' and 'badly burnt'.

Sarah's persistant desires to be someone's sub had increasingly bothered me. I felt that I was in danger of losing control of the situation, and another man controlling my wife may be detrimental to our marital well-being. The reality had confirmed my doubts, and indeed put me in a particularly bad space for some time afterwards. Sarah finds it difficult to understand why I did not like her being controlled by Ian, in particular performing on a stranger's cock under his instruction. The main reason for my discontent is that I felt marginalised and pushed out, whilst Ian and Sarah had all the fun. I realise that a true cuck should enjoy every minute of this humiliation, and lap up the scene played out for him. But this was not the case for me. 

After a lot of soul searching, and reading up on the internet, I came to the conclusion that I am in fact an Alpha Cuck - I derive pleasure from Sarah being a Hotwife, but I prefer to control how and when this happens. What Ian did failed to give me any pleasure, and not being included in the proceedings led, at the time, to resentment. I do not hold this against Ian - I actually have a great respect for him (and indeed great affection). In my opinion this transgression was one misjudgement of a man who had historically been impeccable at ensuring my inclusion. The event did however colour my thinking for some time. 

Be that as it may, Sarah had continued to declare herself a sub, and therefore in need of a Dom in her life. Although I have now moved on from the incident with Ian, I am not sure I agree with her assessment of her character; she is so lippy and volatile! But if I am wrong, with our home life being such a power struggle for control, I am still unsure if I can accept another man waltzing in and telling her what to do, and her complying unquestioningly. But out of love for my wife, and in recognition of her desires, I have agreed that she may pursue this path. However, Sarah is well aware of the need for some heavy negotiations with me. And in light of the above, maybe some sort of joint Domship too !!!

This of course was theoretical. For all of Ian's exciting text messages we have reached the conclusion that he is probably 80% a fantacist. We know that, if he has time, he will indulge in play and include some D/s roleplay if required. But as much as he is incapable of commiting to a vanilla relationship, he is probably equally as incapable of commiting to the threeway relationship that he likes to talk about in text messages. This was a shame because Ian works for both on so many levels. The theory he speaks of is entirely in line with my thoughts and desires, and if he could just deliver I think that the relationship between the three of us would be ideal. However, if we were to be active within this lifestyle we had to explore other paths.

By mid autumn Sarah had had enough of the lack of communication, that she finally agreed to make more positive steps towards searching for a new Bull, and going to clubs without Ian. She was also getting hungry for more unbridled passion!  We therefore went back to our well tested method of advertising on Craigslist. However after a number of disastrous dates we reached the conclusion that Craigslist is full of fantasists and time wasters. We revamped our profile on a swinging website, and had our first date with Master Jay, as described in 'fifty shades darker', 'six days as one of Master Jay's submissives' and 'fifty shades of a cuck'. The next blog gives my perspective on our relationship with an extreme Dom Bull....

A gift from Master Jay

Master Jay had always promised us that if it didn't work out with him, he would help us find someone more suitable from his seemingly extensive catalogue of 'Black Bulls'. Despite the frequent fallouts, Jason was true to his word.

In the week between Christmas and New Year we had a message from a guy called Mark. Jason had recommended him some weeks back, but Mark had not responded when Dale reached out via the swinger's website. This was understandable - this young educated black stud was drop dead gorgeous with a body to die for. Someone like him would have no need for middle aged women like myself. After all if I was struggling to hold the interest of reasonably attractive men like Ian, then I would have no chance with sex gods like Mark. I started to wonder if Master Jay had something to do with this turn of good luck.

'How's it going with Mark?' Jason texted a few days later. So this was his doing. 'Say thank you Jason' he said. I rolled my eyes and texted 'thank you'.

I felt bad though. Jason had really wanted me to be his sub, so to set us up with someone else (and on that matter the hottest black man in the South East), was a huge act of kindness. I asked Jason if he minded. Not because I believed it was his business or that he had a right to mind, but simply because I didn't want any discomfort. But to my surprise he said he didn't  mind as long as he was kept informed! He said that he would ensure Mark understood his right to claim me back when he was ready!

So that was what this selflessness was all about! Dale and I were gobsmacked!

Jason frequently complains that I am a confusing person, and that I send confusing conflicting messages about what I want. In my defense I would say that I am sexually attracted to Jason and simply fail to hide how I feel. That is not confusing - I desire something that, for a number of reasons, I can't have. I admit that, because of the mutual attraction, we are both guilty of leading each other on. But that is another issue. What now seems to be the case is that Jason, who rejected us as his cuckold couple (albeit a joint decision), apparently still had a claim on me. Now that's confusing!

Jason knew that we were back in communication with Ian. He had said he was happy for us, but I doubted the sentiment was genuine, and if I'd been in his shoes I would be pissed off. Then the penny dropped. Clearly if he couldn't own us as his cuckold couple, he would find another way of controlling our sex life. He knew that his control of us would cease should we go back to our former Bull.

But one of his Black Bulls - well that was maybe within his scope of influence!

And so the man, who desperately wanted me as his own, had set me up with the finest Black Bull on his Rolodex - one so fit he knew I couldn't fail to notice. Even if it meant marginalising the Master himself, allowing me a harmless playmate, maybe enough to remove the real threat to his position. Getting rid of our former Bull would enable him to maintain some control in my life! And besides, if I had become Master Jay's official sub, I would only have been allowed to sleep with black men of his choice. So Mark, I would've been fucking anyway. But a white guy like Ian - out of the question!

No such thing as the Perfect Bull

The page, 'Ian part 1 - the Perfect Bull' describes my immature thoughts, as a novice to this lifestyle, on how Ian was the Perfect Bull. We hadn't met him at that time, but my reasoning, this time last year was that, unlike so many men we chatted to on CL, Ian was not an impatient aggressive charging Bull. He took the slow long term approach to groom me to the space in which he wanted me to be. He never made demands, never set rules - he didn't have to. Instead he used his understanding of psychology to manipulate my mind almost hypnotically. I believe he uses similar techniques to get his own way in business. His does not care for the word 'Bull', and I have to admit, with his soft spoken, somewhat camp demeanour, it actually doesn't suit him.

But this unlikely Bull, sure as hell, knew how to bring me to my knees, make me eat out of his hand. He is the only man to have broken down my barriers from detesting the sight, texture, smell and taste of semen, to have me begging for his cum in my mouth. And then when he was about to shoot onto my waiting tongue, he told me to close my mouth! (This was described in 'a spit roast with cream on top'). He's a clever guy. At the time, I thought he was being considerate. In fact he later told me that he told me to close my mouth because he wanted me to gradually get used to cum. But the reality was that he denied me, so I am now finding I am craving tasting his cream ever more! On reflection I wonder if this was yet another manipulation of my mind to make me want him more. If only he had been more committed, I believe he had the capability of eventually breaking my hard limits of glory holes and gang bangs!

And that is the problem. He is simply not committed enough, and unless that changes, I can never truly submit to him. Despite his alternative approach, which was so effective, Ian has panned out not be the Perfect Bull. He persistently screwed up when it came to organisation, and was next to impossible to pin down. His elusiveness in the early days made me want him more, but now only serves to irritate. He was always lovely when we met, a kind and perfect gentleman. But in between he did not make the effort to keep the relationship going. Although he enthusiastically engages in text banter, that often continues all day, we always had to make the first move. Ian also spectacularly let himself down when he took us to the swing club. He misread what I was ready for, and consequently went charging ahead with what he wanted me to do, justifying to himself that I would love it once he got me there. The final straw was him not being there for me after the experience. There was no point in Ian grooming me into submission if his is not going to see the journey through. This was where Ian's understanding of sub-Dom and Bull-cuck relationships, was limited. He knew how to get us there, but didn't know how to complete the journey. I desperately want to be his sub, but unless he stops being a fantasist and makes it happen we will all miss out on something amazing.

Jason, by contrast, made an effort. We did not have to put up with purile games of having to chase him. He even had the ability to bring out the sub in me in the same way Ian did.  Had it worked out with Jason, I know that he would have been a devoted Dom Bull, committed to the journey we were all signing up for. Unfortunately the explicit language and, what came across to me as, an aggressive and threatening manner, killed the submissive in me as fast as it was created. I accept his style of domination works with some people, but I respond better to having my mind slowly and subtly manipulated. Personally I have more respect for Ian's style - it demonstrates patience, and I admire the way he groomed me to where he wanted me to be by clever use of words. In my opinion there is nothing clever about calling someone a 'slut', and as a result I simply don't find it dominating. As with Ian, I also feel we all missed out. I didn't see why Jason couldn't take a few steps back to our level, and develop us over time to a more advanced level. But I guess Jason can only do this one way.

I find it bizarre that Jason would be so appalled at Ian's pushiness with glory holes, but be so uncompromising with using explicit sexual language. I am sure that Ian would be equally shocked that a prospective Bull would be so insistant on using language I find offensive. Jason told me that all his subs and cucks love the bad language, and Ian told me that all the couples he has been involved with absolutely love the glory hole. Men are happy to be reasonable until their personal 'must do' fantasy is called into question. Dale is the same; he is happy for me to choose my lovers - until he discovers that my taste is different from his!

Since it ended with Jason, we are now back on with Ian. I have spent most of December texting him, and despite the lengthy gap in communications throughout the autumn, it did not take long for text messaging to return to normality - Ian is well up for coming to our house in the New Year and having me bareback in the marital bed whilst pretending to breed me. And before long he was back onto his typical fantasies regarding the involvement of others in our play time. Bla bla. All back to normal. And of course he was back to normal when it came to trying to arrange a date for the New Year - avoidance! Never mind, I have my pen pal back, so I can resume feeding my addiction of Ian's delicious fantasies!

So what are our plans for 2015? Its been a year since we posted our very first blog 'A New Year and back in the saddle'. In 2015 we really do hope to be in the saddle, and this time steering the reigns! We realise that it is futile to entertain any realistic hope of something regular and meaningful with Ian. He is however the only prospective Bull who has stood the test of time with us. We know that if we see him we will have fun, however if we don't, we will have fun anyway. We have decided to give up on searching for Bulls on line, as we have had too many wasted journeys into London for unsatisfactory meets. Instead our plan for the New Year is to hit the swing clubs and parties. Maybe we'll find our Perfect Bull in one of those. And if not we're bound to still have some stories to write!