Thursday, 2 July 2015

A fantasy milked dry

The same week that Jason and I finished whatever it was we had, Dale and I also came to the decision that we would not be contacting Ian again. If I had thought five months with Jason was long enough to be milking a fantasy, after nearly two years of texting Ian it was reasonable to say that that fantasy had been well and truly milked dry!

Dale and I have our reasons for clinging onto this fantasy, but with so much 'real' stuff starting to happen in our lives, it was time to call it a day. I haven't written much about Ian since the start of this year, largely because my attentions had been temporally distracted by the seemingly more accessible Jason. However, despite Jason persistently hovering temptingly in the background, we had nonetheless allowed Ian to drift in and out of our life in the earlier part of 2015. And Jason's intermittent coolness, towards the end of the winter, allowed my interest in Ian to reignite. But the pattern proved to be the same as always - long periods of enthusiastic text banter, followed by unexplained episodes of disappearance.

It was finally arranged for Ian to come our house for the night in early spring. This was an idea he had first initiated a year ago so that we could role-play him breeding me in the marital bed whilst I wore bridal lingerie. And variations of this fantasy had often been the subject of many hours of text banter. With a date finally in the diary, text messages between Ian and Dale once again reached a crescendo of excitement. And Ian pandered to my fantasies too by describing how he would put me in a dog collar and lead me upstairs to the marital bed, where I was to totally submit to him. But in a whole year he had always failed to find the time to deliver on this fantasy, and I feared it was too good to be true.

And it was - he cancelled. His excuse was a last minute work dinner with important clients from the States that he couldn't get out of. He was hugely apologetic and said he'd make it up to us. And we didn't doubt his sentiment was genuine. But we didn't believe his excuse, and certainly didn't believe that he would make it up to us! We didn't know if he had lost his nerve when the prospect of the fantasy was about to become reality, or if there is something about his life that persistently prevents him giving us that kind of time. Historically, dates with Ian have always been shoe-horned in and time-restricted, despite the frequent text chat implying the type of three-way relationship that required a greater investment of time should it be fulfilling to all three of us.

This let-down was followed by another disappearance. And just as we were concluding it was better to leave it this time, he reappeared with apologies for 'radio silence' and excuses of family crises. Conversation started up again but was swiftly followed by another disappearance when we tried one final, and at this point, half hearted attempt to turn fantasy into reality. This time we threw the towel in.

Enough, we though. We had been milking this fantasy for the best part of two years and it had been finally milked dry. We know, and I've no doubt Ian knows, that he can't do this. Only Ian knows why he can't do this, and for whatever reason he doesn't want to tell us.

The whole experience with Ian has been a complete enigma. We are at a loss as to what the problem is. We know he is real because we met him on five occasions. And we know exactly who he is; he has never hidden that - we have always known his full name, birthday, where he works etc. But he is incredibly cagey about his personal life. We suspect he has a girlfriend who has become more serious, and what was difficult for him when we first has now become impossible.

Why won't he just tell us he can't do this? I guess he doesn't want to admit it - that will mean the end of a fantasy for him too.

So why have we kept this going for so long? The initial reason is that Dale and I both became addicted to the fantasy text messages. The text message relationship and the fantasy it provided had become an integral part of our life. And because we had met him on a few occasions, thus giving us a taste of the fantasy, we had reason to believe it was real. However in the absence of completely converting the fantasy to reality, text messaging was getting increasingly repetitive as we ran out of new sexual scenarios to explore. 

But the other reason we clung on is because, to this day, he is the only one who has understood what Dale and I need as a couple. This man not only had the ability to get me into sub space without even touching me, but knew how to excite Dale's cuck fantasies without antagonising the alpha male in him. Admittedly (and probably selfishly) Ian misjudged our needs when he took us to the club, but for the larger part of the friendship he was spot on in the way he groomed us into eating out of his hand.

Much later, when we met Jason, we learnt about the phenomena of being owned as a cuckold couple. Looking back, despite this being something Jason had offered us, I can see now that this was actually exactly what Dale and I had desired from Ian, and exactly what Ian had implied he would give us. At the time we understood little about being owned, but my desire and need for Ian to be in control of mine and Dale's sex life was profound.

And that is why we found it so devastating when he didn't deliver. As I said in a previous blog, 'a glimpse through the window of the candy store', we have experienced the intense disappointment of a child who has been shown the sweet shop then told "this is what you can't have". One of our first blogs 'Ian, the perfect Bull' was written on the back his promises to achieve Dale's cuckold fantasies and my sub fantasies. To have this nirvana taken away from us has been a disapointment that neither of us could understand.

I am very angry with Ian for his behaviour, largely for leading us on and not delivering on his promises. But I am also angry with him for not having the courtesy of honouring us with an explanation as to why he hasn't delivered on his promises. Or at the very least given us an apology, or even an acknowledgement, for the fact that we have been messed about. And so, unlike with Jason, we are left with a fantasy that has been milked dry, but have no closure nor understanding of what went wrong.

Two months on I'm finding that the problems we had with Ian, that I had thought may have been typical of these thirty something year old bachelors who dislike commitment, are actually not issues that we generally have to face with other single guys on the scene. Admittedly nobody is perfect, and single men, especially those in London, do seem to march to a different beat than suburban married folk like ourselves. However I see now that Ian is on a different level when it comes to 'batchelor syndrome'; he is wired up differently from anybody else I know, thus making him so impossible. And that's why he was happy to just live a fantasy. And I hate to admit this, but that's also why this otherwise fairly ordinary man was so desirable!

Ironically Dale and I are now having so much fun on the swing scene, that despite me still having a desire to be owned, but I don't think I really want that any more in practice. If we were to see Ian again, I don't doubt that he would have the same effect on me. But if he were to sort himself out (and I know he never will), I don't think we would be able to recreate what the three of us had. We would of course be happy to incorporate him into our swinging life as one of many play partners, and even include some D/s play. But I am such a different person now, and the fun Dale and I have together make it inconceivable that anybody could now be in control of our sex life. I believe that experience with Ian was unique to a time when Dale and I were naive and new to swinging, and as much as I would like to find that again with someone else, I know I never will. 

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