Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Milking the fantasy

It has been over two months since we published our last blog, 'hot sticky sex and a cream pie', and much has happened since that raunchy party at Jonny's batchelor pad back in April. However, we didn't realise at the time that this party may have been the turning point for Dale and I becoming the confident swingers we now feel we are. The first event to happen in the weeks that followed was our decision to call it a day with both Ian and Jason, both men were proving to be a waste of time not to mention emotional energy. I had been starting to find that once the addictive euphoria, caused by the fantasies they created, wore off they had little else to give me.

Last year we had looked to Ian to introduce us to the swing scene. And although Ian was indeed significant in our journey, he did unfortunately turn out to be a red herring, and by the end of the year I felt ready to explore the party and club scene independent of Ian. However, Master Jay had come into our life by this time, and looking back I can see how much he had tried to control us, experiences described in the blogs published in December, January and February. Fortunately our new found friendship with the easygoing Mark was a move towards breaking away from the influence of a Dom, whether that Dom be Ian or Jason. On the other hand Mark had been one of Master Jay's prize Bulls, therefore part of an order where Master Jay was top of the food chain. So with regards to Jason we needed to get out before we were eaten alive!

Jonny's house party was a revelation. There was no pecking order, nobody knew Master Jay, and only one or two of the guests had even vaguely heard of his parties. So I'm unsure if it was Jonny's party that was the catalyst to the well needed clear-out of the closet, or if that party had simply coincided with the point where we had had enough of the bullshit. What was definitely true, was that Jonny's party did give us the confidence to realise our increasing independence in the swinging lifestyle, away from Jason and those who seemed to follow him.

In addition, we had started communicating with another Dom, and although Master Jay may have reluctantly tolerated me having the occasional fuck buddy with his permission, I knew that if I took on a new Dom that would be the end to anything that may have been possible with Jason in the future. Especially a Dom unconnected with him, therefore not possible for him to exert control over the situation! As a result I was fast becoming aware that a decision was imminent.

The last time I saw Jason was at his party in February. That night he had pushed me deeper than ever into sub space. And whilst in a euphoric state with my control relinquished, he looked me in the eyes and told me he would own me one day, that he would impregnate me, and that there was something undeniable between me and him. But in the week that followed, as I came crashing back down from my high, I found that he wasn't there to catch me. This was not unexpected, as he had behaved in a similar way after his private party in January. But what was particularly galling was when I finally managed to chat with him via text, he was blasé about the experience, saying he just played with me because I was there. Then adding salt to the wound he arrogantly informed me that all his Bulls could see that I wanted to be his 'married bitch'!

His attitude was particularly hypocritical because on our first meet he had emphasised the responsibility a Dom has in the emotional aftercare following a D/s experience. He had explained that this was what Ian had got so wrong in his role as my Dom. Jason had not only done the same thing to me, but had also belittled the experience we had had. Ian, for all his faults and lack of post domination effort, would never stoop to such purile bitchy levels.

So why did I cling on? Because on every one of the three occasions we met, despite that fact that we never once had sex, Jason had me eating out of his hands as he swiftly and expertly got me into sub space. Like with Ian, the fantasy had become an addictive indulgence that I was reluctant to do without. Jason is not a handsome man, and certainly not the type I would normally be attracted to. But I guess that's why he's a good Dom - he knows how to manipulate a subs mind to make her believe she wants him. So month after month I continued to milk the fantasy.

Then a month and a half since I had last seen Jason, out of the blue he made me a new offer. His timing was shocking of course as it was just as Dale and I were starting to really enjoy the swing scene on our own. However, this time his offer was different - he was prepared to negotiate certain terms. The explicit sexual language was non-negotiable he told me, and although it didn't do anything for me I was now used to it. At best I was indifferent. I had reflected that if he needed that to get his kicks, I was prepared to accept with a view to the bigger prize of being Master Jay's submissive. But it seemed he was finally backing off on restricting Dale's and my sexual freedom. I suggested that if he were to be my master, I should ask his permission if I wanted to play with one of my fuck buddies. Maybe as a reward for good behaviour! Importantly I told him I couldn't agree to anything without Dale's consent and it was up to him to work that out with Dale.

But Jason didn't complete the conversation with me and certainly didn't approach Dale with his new proposal. I asked him later that week if he had changed his mind, but didn't receive a straight answer. I realised what was going on - he wanted it, but knew I couldn't give him what he needed, so was backing off again. Why wouldn't he just say that it was a bad idea? Because that will kill the fantasy. I often remember him lying on top of me the last time I saw him, with him telling me I would be his one day. He knew and I knew that this was just fantasy, but we enjoyed it at the time. Ok so he denied this sentiment the following week, which was hurtful, but I guess in the cold light of day he couldn't handle a fantasy that wouldn't never come to fruition. He too was guilty of milking the fantasy.

Jason is a self-declared Jekyl and Hyde character. So much of the time he is gentle, caring and would go out of his way to make me feel special. But it was always horrible when he turned, and eventually I tired of him blowing hot and cold with me. I heard through the grapevine that him and his main sub were having a house party. The chronology would have been that the arranging of this party was synonymous with him reopening discussions with me about a D/s relationship. Despite what was happening between me and him he had decided not to invite us. For me this insult was the last straw.

With the possibility of meeting a new Dom, our increased independence on the swing scene, and probably the fact that the bullshit had gone on for long enough, I decided it was time to have it out with Master Jay once and for all. To be fair to Jason the text conversation that took place was a calm and honest discussion. He apologised for leading me on, but acknowledged that I can't give him what he needs. He also acknowledged that Dale and I wanted to explore the swing scene, and that he didn't want to stand in the way of that.

And then he told me something that made me see the situation in a different light. He explained his forthcoming house party would be unsuitable for Dale and myself, as the women were expected to totally submit to blackcock worship, and the husbands would all enjoy be humiliated as white sissy cucks. All of a sudden I felt a veil lift, and I saw Master Jay in his true colours. He had not told me anything new, but my desire to be dommed by him meant I hadn't listened. And likewise, his desire to dom me had prevented him walking away sooner.

But when the veil lifted, I found myself feeling reviled by this extreme aspect of the sex scene that Jason and a few of his followers have embraced - the glorification of sluttiness, black cock worship, and the humiliation and sissification of white husbands. I do realise that as a swinger I am certainly not in a position to judge, but the hard truth in the cold light of day simply sickened me. What Jason had wanted us to get involved with was a far cry from the direction Ian had tried to encourage me, and bore no relation whatsoever to the uncomplicated free-spirited sex that everybody enjoyed at Jonny's party. At Jonny's there was no concept of women being 'slutty' for the men's pleasure; if that is the word of choice to describe sexual freedom then both men and women were all 'sluttly' together. And there was certainly nobody at Jonny's getting their sexual kicks out of watching another person being degraded. Indeed when Ian and Dale had their long text conversations about cuckoldry, the concept of turning Dale into a 'sissy' and humiliating him was never expressed as something that would turn Ian on.

I could see now how unsuitable Jason's brand is for us. He had always told me that ordinary swinging is no longer of interest to him, and indeed fun uncomplicated sex does nothing for him any more. He always said he 'needs an edge'. I reflected that one goes into the swing scene to embrace sexual liberation, but I wondered is there a point when this is no longer enough? I admit that I too have gone in search of an edge, a psychological element to make sex more interesting. So when does this need for an 'edge' go too far? 

But it was a respectful conversation. We both realised that we couldn't keep this fantasy going indefinitely. And despite both of us being guilty of milking the fantasy to the max, I appreciated that when pushed he had the decency to honour me with a conversation and explanation. Thus I was able to get closure on this chapter of our journey.

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